Becoming the Consistent Adult: Building Resilience with Challenging Students

At our core, we believe in the transformative power of relationships—and that one consistent, caring adult can change the trajectory of a student’s life. Many of the students we serve come from Title I schools and may face complex, unstable home lives. They may lack a reliable adult presence, and as a result, struggle to trust, engage, or regulate their behavior in academic settings

Being tutors gives us significant influence. We have the potential to be a reliable and encouraging force in students' lives. However, this requires resilience, patience, understanding and an adjustment in perspective.

Understanding the Behavior

Before we talk about strategy, let’s unpack what behavior really is. 

In a video by Polly Bath, she explains that what we often label as “bad behavior” isn’t always what it seems. When a student refuses to listen or acts out, it’s easy to view their actions as disrespectful. However, at its core, behavior is simply an event—one that sparks an automatic thought in us.

For example:.

Event: A student says, “I don’t have to listen to you.”

Automatic Thought: “That student can’t talk to me like that.”

Perception: “They’re being defiant.”

Emotion: Frustration

Response (Your Behavior): You react emotionally, potentially escalating the situation.

But what if we challenged our perception?

Instead of thinking, “That student can’t talk to me like that.”

Try: “That student hasn’t yet learned how to talk to adults respectfully.”

That small shift removes emotion from the equation and allows you to respond with intention rather than reaction. It’s the foundation of the Stop – Think – Process approach. Take a breath. Reflect. Reframe. Then respond calmly and consistently. 

Teach – Rehearse – Reinforce: A Practical Model

To effectively guide and motivate students, especially those who are challenging, a consistent structure and routine are essential. One highly successful strategy is the Teach- Rehearse- Reinforce approach. 

Let’s break it down:

• Teach: Explicitly teach the behavior you want to see. For example, use a consistent call-and-response strategy to get attention.
•  Example: You say, “Class, class, class!” and students respond, “Yes, yes, yes!” (as seen in this video by Thom Gibson).
• Rehearse: Practice it with them—multiple times if needed. Make it fun, make it routine.
• Reinforce: Praise them when it’s done well. Provide quick feedback and celebrate improvement.

Most importantly, prioritize full participation before proceeding, all while maintaining a positive demeanor. Should frustration arise, it will be mirrored by the students. An optimistic attitude reassures students of your confidence in them, particularly during challenging moments.

Avoid Power Struggles

When faced with potential power struggles, recognizing and disengaging from them is vital for resilience. Avoid calling out students or isolating them in a way that embarrasses them. Instead, opt for tailored redirection. Ultimately, as the adult, your behavior sets the tone.  

Resilience Is a Skill, Too

We ask students to build new skills every day—academic and behavioral. We must do the same. Being resilient means staying consistent, calm, and connected, even when students push back. Especially when they push back.

They may not thank you today, but by showing up, staying steady, and believing in their potential, you're helping rewrite their story—and that matters.

Key Takeaways for Tutors:

• Behavior is communication, not defiance.
• Your mindset matters: shift from reaction to reflection.
• Teach routines explicitly, practice them, and positively reinforce them.
• Stay calm, avoid power struggles, and remain consistent.
• You are the consistent adult in a student's life—your presence can change everything.